For a couple of months I've been avoiding a situation in order to shut it out of my mind , to numb my heart from feeling pain. I knew it wouldn't work l but I pushed through with trying my best to not think about the situation , to allow my heart to go on hiatus .
What happened instead is that I felt disconnected , lost , unsure and cold. This is not me, yet it's what happened when I avoided my feelings , when I avoided dealing with matters of the heart.
The universe is funny in a way.. Showing you everything that you want and need , allowing every cell in your body to feel alive again, then in one instant taking it from you. A cruel trick ? Or simply a lesson on patience , faith and trust ? Or maybe it's all something that happened in my mind but didn't happen in reality ? The questions, the thoughts are all overwhelming and make me scream and cry and question it all .. And go numb. My heart goes numb yet again. Because when it's numb I don't have to wonder about anything, and when it's numb I can't hurt... Yet when it's numb, I can't love . I can't love .
And more than anything in this world , I want love . I want to love with every ounce of my being, so hard that I can't breathe, nor sleep.. Because then I know I'm alive and thriving, not merely surviving . I want to love out loud and quietly , I want to love hard and in the gentlest of ways. I want to love with compassion, trust and faith. I want to love with complete vulnerability . I want to love you, simply and without a doubt, just you. But today and everyday until then, I protect my heart from the unknown .
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