I Got Lost

July 1st, 2015 - journal entry

I have been anxious for a few weeks. This is a new feeling for me, the uneasiness, the lack of sleep, my mind constantly racing. I am human and one little detour off of my path,one day of not taking care of ME, made me lose my way. 

 I have always been so grounded, faithful, patient and full of gratitude. Knowing and allowing the universe to guide my way and allowing my heart to know what it is that fuels me.

 For the last couple of months I have been bombarded with 3 deaths in the family which meant lots of last minute travel, a diagnosis for my son that blind sided me and financial repercussions from my divorce that I wasn't expecting. I started wondering where we would be living next year instead of just being grateful for where we are living now. I worried about my son day and night and worried about my finances.  What else did I do? I  stopped my daily routine. My routine of reading, writing in my journal, creating art, meditating and practicing Yoga and I got lost in day to day life. I stopped hanging with my "tribe", those women that support me and fuel me.  I stopped living in the present and allowed stressing over the past and worrying about the future to take control. I let worry, fear, stress, anger, insecurity and  uncertainty become the primary forces in my day to day routine. Racing through each day without focus and intention, without gratitude, without love left me empty.

I am thankful for those in my "tribe" that notice when I get quiet. That hear my silence and come to get me and pull me up for air. Reinforcing to me that I know what to do, that the power is within ME to get back to that place and space of beauty, gratitude and abundance in my life. 

We are all the same and divinely connected to one another and that , to me, is one of the most amazing things ever. The knowing that we are not alone. The ability of placing our hand over our heart and feeling the beat of our own heart, yet also the heartbeat of others.Being Present. Being Connected. Deep Gratitude.

I found my way back, I am Present. I have my routine of Self-Care that grounds and guides me and allows me to Just Be.  Although we all may get lost at times, the most important part is finding our way back.

In love and gratitude.

-A 

Holding Space

I've learned so much in the past few months . I feel like i've grown in leaps and bounds...my head and heart have opened. I've learned to forgive and to let go, I've learned how to love unconditionally . I've learned how to " HOLD SPACE". I'm learning each and every day how to JUST BE. There is power in strength in holding space versus desperation in waiting for something to happen, they are not one in the same.


Holding Space
What it means to me is:

Letting Go of Judgement
not judging another persons actions and instead allowing them to evolve at their own time and pace without feeling the need to comment,criticize or judge.

Opening Your Heart
Allowing your heart to be open and remain open while holding space. Speaking , Doing and Being from a place of unconditional Love.

Allowing things to JUST BE
Allowing the other person to go through the experience without trying to control the outcome. Not giving input or pushing things in one direction or another, simply being there for them with no expectation. Trusting the process.

Holding space for another person is a beautiful thing, it takes strength, courage, patience , trust and faith.  It is the intention to allow things to unfold just as they may.

Many situations can require holding space for another : birth, death, healing, divorce, end of a job or relationship or many other life changes. The key is to allow yourself and the other person to Just Be and to trust the process. 

In Peace and Love,
-A

I choose happiness

I look at this picture of myself and I see a different woman than I was a few years ago . I see a woman that has transitioned to a place of peace, love and joy.. A woman that has let go of fear, uncertainty and doubt. I am always growing , that's a fact . Yet for so many years I hid parts of myself , because of fear of what others  would think . I knew that I did not fit into any box and that I needed to follow a different path , to follow my heart .

I believe in love and passion and kindness . I believe in taking care of myself and others - mind , body and spirit . I believe in compassion and taking care of the Environment. I believe that it is my job to teach all of this to my children so that they know how to live their lives in such away that they continue to shine bright from within. 

This beautiful journey of life offers twists and turns and takes us to the darkest depths in order to expose the most beautiful gifts and blessings . I AM grateful for it all and continue to strive to live authentically with divine guidance . 

Many years ago as I sat in my uncertainty and fear... Today I choose happiness .

In Peace and Love

-A

Just Be

My grandmother was one of the most special people in my life. She was so much more than my grandmother, she was a mother and friend, a soul mate of sorts as she and I were on the same spiritual path of living authentically yet she left her body before she achieved what she wanted.

My grandmother was the first person to tell me that I was a good mother, a good wife, a good person. Many people say these things about people, but how often do you actually tell this TO the person? She molded me into the woman that I am today. A woman of strength, dignity and compassion. A woman who is deeply spiritual and lives from the heart. She taught me the power of LOVE.

She was one of the most amazing people that I have met in my lifetime. I miss our daily talks and her funny sayings that I find myself sharing with my own children . She sends me messages at times to let me know that she is here...her body is gone, yet her spirit lives on inside of me, and inside of my children and in those to follow.

Anyone that knows me , knows how important the words JUST BE are to me. They are the words on my license plate, a painting in my home and they are tattooed on my wrist. These were the words of my dear grandmother, Margaret , words that she instilled in me when I was confused or hurting or torn with indecisiveness. She would say, "Angel, JUST BE, let things happen as they should" .

So many times during the past few years of transition in my life, I have turned to these words to comfort me. They soothe my soul as only words from a loved one can. The words alone, let me know that everything will turn out as it should and that the ability to JUST BE is the most authentic and loving thing I can do for myself and for those that I love.

Somehow this beautiful song showed up today ...and it tore my heart wide open and  allowed love to completely flow over me.

In Peace and Love,
A

I am here

I can feel it coming. A huge change .
It's like my body knows what my mind can't comprehend.
My mind over thinks, while my body just Feels.

I've been feeling unsettled , uneasy, can't sleep through the night. My mind is continuously going.
So here at 3 am I sit. My mat called me, to get out of my head and into my body. To allow my body to flow and move until my head was clear. To release, to let go, to be vulnerable. To cry.

To cry and cry some more. Tears heal, so does laughter but tonight (it's actually morning) I cried.

I listen, as the Universe knows exactly what I need. What I need to forgive, to heal ,to let go , to be Free.
It's uncertainty that's gotten to me. Uncertainty causes anxiety. I don't do anxiety so I graciously sit in silence and allow it to manifest and release it. I LET IT GO! you see, anxiety, fear and all that comes with it...aren't allowed here because they don't allow me to live to my fullest potential. They keep us stuck...stuck in deep, unhappy place which doesn't allow for growth.

So I do all the things that pull me out..that allow me to breathe again , that give me hope again, that take me back to that deep place of freedom and love.

Yoga.
Calming Essential Oils.
Meditation.
Journaling.

and little by little, it all makes sense as difficult times lead to breakthroughs. Trust and Faith lead to calmness of the mind. Yoga practice on my mat reconnects me mind, body and spirit and once again I feel free.

Maybe it was just getting rid of the old to make way for the new just taking guidance from Nature.  It's Spring Equinox,the first day of Spring. A time when Earth cleanses and releases all of the cold and snow, to welcome Spring and new beginnings.  A time when things regain balance and light and dark are equal today.

I am here.
alive and well
grateful and blessed
humble and compassionate
living each day fully
I am allowing myself the freedom to
Just Be.

-A

I run

Why I run.

Running for me is therapy of sorts.. I don't run a certain distance, I run until my head is clear. I run and laugh, I run and cry, I run to let go. 

Last year I ran 3 half marathons ,a 9k, a 10k, a mud run, a 5k and a Girls on the run 5k with my daughter .. Each race had its unique challenges: extreme temperature , 80 degrees and humid in 

Florida to 30 degrees and rainy in Indianapolis . I ran through Disney, through the Indy 500 speedway, along the lakefront in Chicago as well as through the city streets, I ran through mud, climbed walls and ran thru bubbles, I ran the color run and came out full of laghter and completely tie-dyed.  

I run each race in complete quiet.. No music blasting in my ears, just me , the sky above and the earth below. pure divine connection. I don't run to beat a particular time, I run to finish and to finish without injury. I run for me,I run to Just Be.

Hot chocolate 10k in Chicago

Indianapolis 1/2 marathon

Disney Princess 1/2 marathon 

2015

I don't make resolutions as those are made to be broken, they set you up to feel disappointed or that you didn't achieve your goals. I know what I want more of and definitely know what I want less of in my life.

So in 2015 I want:

More walks in the rain, to watch more sunsets and sun rises, to laugh until it hurts, to stare into my soul mates eyes, more quality time with family and friends, to travel and explore , financial freedom, to allow my children to be children and to be a child again right along with them, time to connect spiritually , to know that everything is going to be alright, to Just Be, to run, more yoga, more delicious food and wine, time with the ones I love . 

Less time restraints and rushed conversations, less texting and emailing, less technology  , less wondering and questioning , less worrying , less meaningless interactions, less stress, less uncertainty...less of the things that no longer serve me.

Just Be

Just Be

(my mantra )

I have "Just Be" tattood on my wrist, as a reminder to allow things to unfold naturally. It is so easy to wish for a specific outcome, to continually push until you get what you want. In doing this, you go against the natural flow of the universe.  "Just Be" were the words my grandmother always used...to remind us as children to let things be as they were meant to.

Yoga is a way of life..more that just asanas (postures) and includes moral codes, called Yamas and Niyamas.  The one that I have been working on lately is called Tapas, which focuses on discipline and endurance . The discipline deals with the body, speech and the mind.  It is about controlling our language and thoughts as well as physical wants.

A million thoughts go thru our minds a day. Have you ever taken notice to how many are positive or negative thoughts? The goal with Tapas, is to think kind and loving thoughts as these thoughts become our words and these words become our actions. 

In focusing on Tapas , you may find that you distance yourself from friends or family that gossip or put others down. There are some that live constantly in this state of negativity and want to drag you in. This is the time to be firm and redirect your attention to something positive. Fasting, meditating and pranayama(breathing techniques) are all ways that you can practice self discipline and focus on positve actions, positiive speech and positive thinking.

Remember to take time for yourself and quiet your mind and to JUST BE.

Here are a couple of things to help you work on Tapas:

What techniques do you use to quiet your mind?

Recall a challenging situation where you were mindfull of the words you spoke